Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
