im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
