Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
