i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
