walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
