I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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