If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
