Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She's the barista slut.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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