I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
