I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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