She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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