if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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