Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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