I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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