i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
why do cheetos always look like penises
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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