I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
