I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
