omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
