I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
