he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
