My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
