On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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