but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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