How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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