Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
