Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
