My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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