Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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