I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Are we in a gay sports bar?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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