i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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