I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
