I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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