haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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