bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
