he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
