I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
