I wish I could teleport
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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