I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
