She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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