Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
