I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
