My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
