Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
