Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
