Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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