Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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