I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
