I'm gonna have a badass scar
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
