Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
