i may or may not be watching the land before time
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
