mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
