I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I think I sprained my soul last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
