I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
