if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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